Roxy Bisquaint

You can take a break from the wrinkle-making now. That's quite enough.

Thanks,
Roxy

It would seem that seven months is how long it takes for the brain to normalize after quitting smoking. Seven months for me anyway. I've been doing amazingly well in recent weeks. Basically, I feel like me. Totally and completely me — not even a twinge of depression in well over a month and my emotions seem back to normal. That doesn't mean my emotional state is perfectly appropriate at all times because, you know, me has never been entirely well-adjusted. So maybe sanity is too strong a word ;) But it's good. It's comfortable. It's me. Physically I feel great too, by the way.

My use of the snus is on a decline now. I stuck with the every-other-day thing longer than I'd planned. Actually, I stopped even tracking how long I did that. It's less now, though. One day I could just tell I didn't need to reach for it, so I didn't. I'm still holding steady with the e-cig at the same low level of nicotine I've been at for a few months. I thought taxing my fragile little mind while it was so stressed would be a bad idea, so I made no effort to try to reduce that lately. I'm not sure when I will.

I've sort of had a one-year goal in mind to be totally free of nicotine, but the more I've learned about it, the less concerned I am. It's about as harmless as caffeine (just more addictive). What I don't like, though, is relying on a an e-cig all day long. Chinese manufacturing can be very temperamental. And I'm forever carrying around little batteries and little bottles of flavored nicotine liquid. It's annoying, even if it does taste good and smell good and keep me happy.

If those new Nicorette mini lozenges weren't so damn expensive (and they came in some flavor besides extra-gross-and-chalky mint), I'd give them a try. But one little breathmint-sized pack costs... $39. They should cost like $8. The problem is they're marketed to suckers who are used to paying a fortune for cigarettes because of the massive taxes. Once you factor out the taxes, though, lozenges are actually more expensive than cigarettes.

Everyone just needs to embrace nicotine so we can all have happy, healthy, brains. Give it maybe ten years and you'll all be using it in one form or another anyway. Yes, the nicotine utopia is coming! :D

I think you are my soulmate.

All my love,
Roxy

No, I have not smoked.

Last night, the man and I went to the Christmas train garden at the local volunteer fire department. Since it's also a fundraiser, we bought some raffle tickets. While we were filling them out, we had this exchange:

The Man: "I started to write my work number for the home phone."
Me: "That's nothing. I started to write 'Roxy' for my name."
The Man: "You're brain damaged."

I'm not sure I can argue with that. In my defense, though, I've written the name Roxy Bisquaint a lot in recent months on sticker order packages and customs paperwork.

No anxiety today. Instead, I cried uncontrollably for about two hours. Oh yay. I wasn't upset or sad; I just cried for absolutely no reason. I really don't understand what's happening to me. And I think I'm becoming a total head case.

Physically, I still feel awful. My nose is stuffed up, food tastes terrible, I have massive sinus pressure and a headache (and I keep getting a migraine in addition to the regular headache), my stomach is acidic and my muscles are tense. I look terrible too. I swear I've aged about 10 years in the past few days.

How many more days until it gets better?

What a weird day. 37 hours and counting and I still haven't smoked. When I passed the 24-hour mark this little experiment went from let's see how long I can go without a cigarette to I guess I'm fucking doing this. It was strangely emotional too. I was out running errands today (driving was a little scary) and had P!nk playing on the stereo (don't judge). It made me cry.

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had

Yeah, so, like I was saying... weird day, very up and down. Right now, I'm a non-smoker and it's no big deal — it's actually quite easy. Yet a little while ago, I was in such mental turmoil I thought I'd cave. Mostly I just have to "vape" like crazy with this e-cig and probably jack my nicotine level up higher than normal to keep from itching too badly for the thousands of other chemicals my body is apparently withdrawing from. And I believe there's a hell of a lot more than nicotine that keeps you addicted to cigarettes. Otherwise, quitting would be easy with any form of nicotine replacement. But it's not and I feel like shit.

I've had a headache all day and my stomach feels not so good. I haven't been able to eat much and coffee seems to have no affect on me. My head has been in a fog and my thoughts, while surprisingly clear (I expected to have trouble thinking), are moving in slow motion. To tops things off, my old friend anxiety showed up early in the day. I greeted it with some Xanax, which helped. I recently read that some of the chemicals in cigarettes act as MAOIs. That might explain why smoking is so calming, despite nicotine being a stimulant. It has a very positive affect on the mental condition. Since my anxiety issues have gotten way better in recent years, I'm hoping that I'll have the strength to withstand any anxiety uptick I might experience.

You know what's funny? This electronic-cigarette normally uses little lithium batteries, but I also have a USB pass-through cord to power it from my computer. So I'm sitting here listening to music through earbuds hooked to the laptop while puffing on an e-cig that's hooked to the laptop. I think I may be merging with my laptop.

Oh, I made myself laugh earlier. That was a great boost to my frame of mind. If I can laugh through this, I'll be okay. Maybe I should get the man to tickle me everyday to raise the endorphins. Or maybe there should be a lot of sex.

Actually, you know what would really help? WB announcing a TSCC DVD.

I do not appreciate being scented!

- Roxy

Been busy. Save my seat. Be back soon.

I love my house. It's about 80 years old, so despite it's quirks and creaks and extreme lack of closet space, it's got a lot of character. But one thing I've never liked are the doors. Their brass locks and chunky glass knobs are appealing enough, but the doors themselves are stained very dark. And you know those quirks I mentioned? One of them is that the bathroom door won't stay open. It prefers to be about 2/3 closed. We've fiddled with it—made adjustments. Nothing seems to work. The house is crooked and I guess crookedness sometimes wins out.

Anyway, the man's asleep, it's mostly dark in the house and I had to pee. You know where this is going, right?

*SMACK*

Yep. I walked right into the bathroom door.

If you haven't been following my on-going body image drama that's because there hasn't been any. I'm average and I have no delusions about that. My body is what it is and it's nothing noteworthy — small hips, small chest, small butt. But a little over a year ago, I crossed 100lbs on the scale and I didn't like that one bit. Laugh if you must, but I'm only 5' tall, small framed, and I know 100 is heavy on me. I felt heavy. I also noticed the distinct lack of tone to my body. I finally got motivated.

I improved my diet a little and I started exercising almost daily. I didn't do anything dramatic, but I guess sticking with it upped my metabolism and over time it's paid off nicely. So here I am a year later, fairly toned and at my goal weight of 92lbs. I didn't just hit it today — I've been fluctuating around it for about 3 months. But I'm really there now. I just weighed myself (with jeans on) and was 91.8. I'm pleased.