Roxy Bisquaint

Here's what happens when you quit smoking:

Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression...

How many more weeks (months? years?) of this hell do I have ahead of me? Because I'm hitting my limit. This isn't me. And I feel physically awful every single fucking day. My sinuses have never been worse and my digestive system apparently has no clue how to process food anymore. I have no appetite. I have no energy. I have zero sex drive. I have random muscle soreness and joint pains. I'm weak. My skin looks and feels terrible (I look so much older too — even my mother told me how old I look! Thanks, mom. Appreciate it.). Every day is a bad hair day. Food doesn't taste any better. My sense of smell is the same if not worse. I'm cold all the time.

WHAT THE FUCK? All of that is the opposite of what is supposed to happen when you quit smoking. Of course, they also say you gain weight and you're angry all the time. Neither has happened to me. I've probably been a little short-fused here and there, but certainly nothing noteworthy. And I haven't gained an ounce. The e-cig is probably giving me enough nicotine to prevent any anger flares and it also keeps me from filling my cigarette void with snacking.

It's been over five weeks now and the only improvements are that my daily severe headaches and sore throats have subsided. Those were symptoms of the quitting itself, though, so I've still yet to experience anything good as a result of quitting.

Whew. I really needed to get all that off my chest. I'm just tired of feeling like shit, mentally and physically. This is why I've been so absent lately and I hope it all subsides soon. I miss you guys and I miss me.


Possibly related news

Yesterday, I had my first ever dream about teeth falling out! Actually it was only one tooth. I was flossing and my back tooth popped out. It was ridiculously small too. I mention this because I know it's a really common dream — teeth falling out — but I've never actually had one (not that I remember anyway). I did have a dream about a pile of tiny toothbrushes one time many years ago. I thought that was bizarre, but now that I just dreamed about a tiny tooth falling out, I guess it makes more sense. And yet I have no clue why I'd be dreaming about tiny toothbrushes or tiny teeth.


In other news

Since I needed something to distract myself with I'm learning how to use Final Cut Express. My first project is a TSCC fan vid (about Sarah, of course!). I don't have too much more to do on it and I think I'll finish it tomorrow. I'm at the mercy of my concentration and creativity, though.

As you know, I wasn't happy with the season finale of TSCC (see Born to Fail part 1), but I think I could still talk about it and analyze it and speculate about it for months (which I absolutely will if the show gets renewed and maybe even if it doesn't). "Born to Run" circled back to the start of the series and hit on so many episodes in its wrap up that I could spend hours talking about that alone. Maybe that's why it felt so series finale-ish. But in that, I do digress.

God I love this show. Even when it lets me down, it never does.

( What I've got here are my thought leftovers and since I didn't want them to spoil, they had to be posted. )

I can't decide who I hate more right now: Thomas Dekker, Josh Friedman or myself. Augh. Why would they let out so much that truly spoils the season? I'm more concerned about that than the actual spoilers themselves. It's fucked up.