roxybisquaint: (sarah charley hug)
I think you are my soulmate.

All my love,
Roxy

No, I have not smoked.

bleh

Nov. 13th, 2009 04:00 am
roxybisquaint: (sarah not amused)
Here's what happens when you quit smoking:

Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression...

How many more weeks (months? years?) of this hell do I have ahead of me? Because I'm hitting my limit. This isn't me. And I feel physically awful every single fucking day. My sinuses have never been worse and my digestive system apparently has no clue how to process food anymore. I have no appetite. I have no energy. I have zero sex drive. I have random muscle soreness and joint pains. I'm weak. My skin looks and feels terrible (I look so much older too — even my mother told me how old I look! Thanks, mom. Appreciate it.). Every day is a bad hair day. Food doesn't taste any better. My sense of smell is the same if not worse. I'm cold all the time.

WHAT THE FUCK? All of that is the opposite of what is supposed to happen when you quit smoking. Of course, they also say you gain weight and you're angry all the time. Neither has happened to me. I've probably been a little short-fused here and there, but certainly nothing noteworthy. And I haven't gained an ounce. The e-cig is probably giving me enough nicotine to prevent any anger flares and it also keeps me from filling my cigarette void with snacking.

It's been over five weeks now and the only improvements are that my daily severe headaches and sore throats have subsided. Those were symptoms of the quitting itself, though, so I've still yet to experience anything good as a result of quitting.

Whew. I really needed to get all that off my chest. I'm just tired of feeling like shit, mentally and physically. This is why I've been so absent lately and I hope it all subsides soon. I miss you guys and I miss me.


Possibly related news

Yesterday, I had my first ever dream about teeth falling out! Actually it was only one tooth. I was flossing and my back tooth popped out. It was ridiculously small too. I mention this because I know it's a really common dream — teeth falling out — but I've never actually had one (not that I remember anyway). I did have a dream about a pile of tiny toothbrushes one time many years ago. I thought that was bizarre, but now that I just dreamed about a tiny tooth falling out, I guess it makes more sense. And yet I have no clue why I'd be dreaming about tiny toothbrushes or tiny teeth.


In other news

Since I needed something to distract myself with I'm learning how to use Final Cut Express. My first project is a TSCC fan vid (about Sarah, of course!). I don't have too much more to do on it and I think I'll finish it tomorrow. I'm at the mercy of my concentration and creativity, though.
roxybisquaint: (sarah shock therapy)
I'm feeling more like myself today. I started out kind of down (this incredibly gloomy, chilly day didn't help), but then got hit with a bit of anxiety that actually snapped me out of the funk. I never thought I'd welcome anxiety, but when given the choice between that and the downward stare of despair, I say bring on the excess adrenaline!

Nothing about this has been even remotely what I expected. Being a smoker makes you very familiar with the symptoms of withdrawal because you experience them frequently (for short periods of time). So I naturally assumed that quitting would mean I'd be dealing with what I already know, just on a grander scale. I was wrong. So wrong. Couldn't have been more wrong.

They say what happens when you quit smoking is different for everyone. Well, for me it seems to be all about dealing with my head — the anxiety/depression roller coaster, the loss of a sense of self, and the inability to write or do anything that requires more than three minutes of focus. What about this post? You wrote that. Yeah, but I started it hours ago and have been continually distracted by snow globes and vibrating cell phones.

Six days. No fate.
roxybisquaint: (sarah sad)
No anxiety today. Instead, I cried uncontrollably for about two hours. Oh yay. I wasn't upset or sad; I just cried for absolutely no reason. I really don't understand what's happening to me. And I think I'm becoming a total head case.

Physically, I still feel awful. My nose is stuffed up, food tastes terrible, I have massive sinus pressure and a headache (and I keep getting a migraine in addition to the regular headache), my stomach is acidic and my muscles are tense. I look terrible too. I swear I've aged about 10 years in the past few days.

How many more days until it gets better?
roxybisquaint: (sarah expletive)
Okay that might be a bit of an exaggeration in hindsight, but it's how I felt yesterday. I didn't expect the euphoria I'd experienced after 24 hours or so of not smoking to continue, but I was completely unprepared for the downturn that followed to be as brutal as it was. That was fucking rough. I still didn't smoke, though. go me

The e-cig seems to be a good enough nicotine delivery system to keep me from having strong cravings and to keep me from reaching for a real cigarette. It's damn impressive. Certainly better than the Nicorette lozenges I've tried before. The bad day I had yesterday wasn't because I was jonesing for a cigarette, it was mainly from dealing with anxiety. That's been an issue every day so far, but yesterday was the worst and for a few hours there, I didn't think I'd make it. I'm hoping this is a temporary thing while my brain chemistry rearranges itself. Since I've had anxiety problems all my life, I have no reason to believe it'll be substantially better or worse from quitting smoking. So I think it's just the adjustment period that's difficult.

I've been drinking LOTS of water (I've never peed so much in my life!). Partly it's to help the detox by flushing out my system and partly it's just to stay hydrated. I'd read that these e-cigs dry you out. Yeah, that's an understatement. For about two days, my mouth and throat were very dry despite the water guzzling. That's gotten better, but now my skin feels incredibly dry. So dry, in fact, that my thermal face wash burned my skin yesterday. Everything was fine until I went to put moisturizer on afterwards. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! My whole face started stinging and I had this big pink patch on my cheek. Weird. I hope that's temporary.

Today was a much better day and I'm hoping for more. I don't ever want to smoke again; I'm finished with that life.
roxybisquaint: (sarah fuck)
What a weird day. 37 hours and counting and I still haven't smoked. When I passed the 24-hour mark this little experiment went from let's see how long I can go without a cigarette to I guess I'm fucking doing this. It was strangely emotional too. I was out running errands today (driving was a little scary) and had P!nk playing on the stereo (don't judge). It made me cry.

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had


Yeah, so, like I was saying... weird day, very up and down. Right now, I'm a non-smoker and it's no big deal — it's actually quite easy. Yet a little while ago, I was in such mental turmoil I thought I'd cave. Mostly I just have to "vape" like crazy with this e-cig and probably jack my nicotine level up higher than normal to keep from itching too badly for the thousands of other chemicals my body is apparently withdrawing from. And I believe there's a hell of a lot more than nicotine that keeps you addicted to cigarettes. Otherwise, quitting would be easy with any form of nicotine replacement. But it's not and I feel like shit.

I've had a headache all day and my stomach feels not so good. I haven't been able to eat much and coffee seems to have no affect on me. My head has been in a fog and my thoughts, while surprisingly clear (I expected to have trouble thinking), are moving in slow motion. To tops things off, my old friend anxiety showed up early in the day. I greeted it with some Xanax, which helped. I recently read that some of the chemicals in cigarettes act as MAOIs. That might explain why smoking is so calming, despite nicotine being a stimulant. It has a very positive affect on the mental condition. Since my anxiety issues have gotten way better in recent years, I'm hoping that I'll have the strength to withstand any anxiety uptick I might experience.

You know what's funny? This electronic-cigarette normally uses little lithium batteries, but I also have a USB pass-through cord to power it from my computer. So I'm sitting here listening to music through earbuds hooked to the laptop while puffing on an e-cig that's hooked to the laptop. I think I may be merging with my laptop.

Oh, I made myself laugh earlier. That was a great boost to my frame of mind. If I can laugh through this, I'll be okay. Maybe I should get the man to tickle me everyday to raise the endorphins. Or maybe there should be a lot of sex.

Actually, you know what would really help? WB announcing a TSCC DVD.
roxybisquaint: (me smoking)
I may have accidentally quit smoking tonight. I wasn't even sure if I should mention it because I have absolutely no faith in myself to stick with it. I didn't even plan this. I was just sick of this cold and after a half hour cough-and-blow session this evening, I decided to try not to smoke for a while. That was about 14 hours ago. You might think that's nothing, but its definitely something. I cant even remember the last time I went anywhere near that long without smoking a cigarette.

This isn't some cold turkey kind of thing. I've got this electronic cigarette (actually I've got a better one now than the one in that link) that I've been puffing on. It's far from a perfect substitute, though, so every few minutes my brain keeps asking me to please light a cigarette and inhale some toxic smoke. You would totally feel soooooo much better if you had some awesome tobacco smoke in your lungs. My brain is so right. But so far I've been able to fend off those urges with the e-cig. It's kind of bothering my stomach, though.

So anyway, that's what I've been doing tonight... not smoking. I'll let you know when I fail ;)
roxybisquaint: (me smoking)
How freaking cool is this? Electronic cigarettes with no smoke and no tobacco. That video shows an older model, but now they make ones that are smaller and actually look like cigarettes. They use a battery and an atomizer to heat up a nicotine cartridge and you inhale the vapor. Awesome. Well, you'd have to be a smoker to appreciate it, but I think it's way cool. I had no idea these things existed.

I think their claims of being able to use them anywhere are a tad unrealistic. I can only imagine what would happen if you puffed on this thing in a shopping mall or something. It doesn't matter that there's no tobacco and no smoke. There would be pitchforks and torches over the sight of the water vapor being exhaled. But what I'm *hoping* is it'll work as a true substitute for cigarettes. I'm not so worried about being addicted to nicotine. Actually, I'm not worried about that at all. It's the smoke that's bad, not the nicotine itself.

And since I am always impulsive with the credit card late at night, I went for it. I was going to get the white one because it looks more like a real cigarette, but then I thought puffing on something silver could be kind of cool. So here's what I ordered:



There are apparently several companies making them. NJOY wasn't the cheapest, but seemed to be the most well-established. And from what I read, this product skirts the edge of legality. So I figured when inhaling something that isn't FDA approved, reputable is better than saving a few bucks.

I should be getting it in sometime next week and I'm looking forward to trying it out. I'll keep you posted in case any other smokers out there want to give it a go.
roxybisquaint: (me smoking)
Little cigarette. My friend, my companion, my enemy, my addiction. 80mm long, 5-7 minutes to smoke. Then a dirty butt with coffee-colored stain. It's wrinkled and compressed from my lips. Other end is black and chalky gray, crumpled from the ashtray. A slight whiff reminds me of popcorn, but a closer smell tickles the nose. Smells like smoke.

Fresh and unlit it smells like a barn, like the wood in a barn. It's kind of pleasant, maybe like an old attic. Yes, like my grandmother's attic. The filter looks like a cork -- Who decided it should? -- Brown paper with tan splotches. Feels spongy between my fingers, like foam padding. A band of white separates it from the cigarette, with two gold stripes encircling. Then thin white paper, very thin, stuffed full of tobacco. I can almost see through to the dry crumbled leaves inside. Shiny spots of glue sparkle where the paper overlaps. Cute little camel printed there, standing on a thin brown line.

It's calling me now.

A bright flame, a puff of smoke, an inhalation. It's dry on the tongue, filter warm on the lips. Smoke in the lungs -- a feeling of fullness, like taking a really big breath of air. Feels good. Feels right. Tip is reddish-orange, surrounded by white ash, trying to hold its form. It fails. Now black ash chasing a black line, fading to brown away from the heat. Little camel is burned. Smoke still flows through the filter after the last puff. Exhalation. Butt crushed.

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Roxy Bisquaint

March 2011

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