roxybisquaint: (sarah know thyself)
Last night, the man and I went to the Christmas train garden at the local volunteer fire department. Since it's also a fundraiser, we bought some raffle tickets. While we were filling them out, we had this exchange:

The Man: "I started to write my work number for the home phone."
Me: "That's nothing. I started to write 'Roxy' for my name."
The Man: "You're brain damaged."

I'm not sure I can argue with that. In my defense, though, I've written the name Roxy Bisquaint a lot in recent months on sticker order packages and customs paperwork.


Nov. 13th, 2009 04:00 am
roxybisquaint: (sarah not amused)
Here's what happens when you quit smoking:

Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression...

How many more weeks (months? years?) of this hell do I have ahead of me? Because I'm hitting my limit. This isn't me. And I feel physically awful every single fucking day. My sinuses have never been worse and my digestive system apparently has no clue how to process food anymore. I have no appetite. I have no energy. I have zero sex drive. I have random muscle soreness and joint pains. I'm weak. My skin looks and feels terrible (I look so much older too — even my mother told me how old I look! Thanks, mom. Appreciate it.). Every day is a bad hair day. Food doesn't taste any better. My sense of smell is the same if not worse. I'm cold all the time.

WHAT THE FUCK? All of that is the opposite of what is supposed to happen when you quit smoking. Of course, they also say you gain weight and you're angry all the time. Neither has happened to me. I've probably been a little short-fused here and there, but certainly nothing noteworthy. And I haven't gained an ounce. The e-cig is probably giving me enough nicotine to prevent any anger flares and it also keeps me from filling my cigarette void with snacking.

It's been over five weeks now and the only improvements are that my daily severe headaches and sore throats have subsided. Those were symptoms of the quitting itself, though, so I've still yet to experience anything good as a result of quitting.

Whew. I really needed to get all that off my chest. I'm just tired of feeling like shit, mentally and physically. This is why I've been so absent lately and I hope it all subsides soon. I miss you guys and I miss me.

Possibly related news

Yesterday, I had my first ever dream about teeth falling out! Actually it was only one tooth. I was flossing and my back tooth popped out. It was ridiculously small too. I mention this because I know it's a really common dream — teeth falling out — but I've never actually had one (not that I remember anyway). I did have a dream about a pile of tiny toothbrushes one time many years ago. I thought that was bizarre, but now that I just dreamed about a tiny tooth falling out, I guess it makes more sense. And yet I have no clue why I'd be dreaming about tiny toothbrushes or tiny teeth.

In other news

Since I needed something to distract myself with I'm learning how to use Final Cut Express. My first project is a TSCC fan vid (about Sarah, of course!). I don't have too much more to do on it and I think I'll finish it tomorrow. I'm at the mercy of my concentration and creativity, though.
roxybisquaint: (sarah expletive)
Okay that might be a bit of an exaggeration in hindsight, but it's how I felt yesterday. I didn't expect the euphoria I'd experienced after 24 hours or so of not smoking to continue, but I was completely unprepared for the downturn that followed to be as brutal as it was. That was fucking rough. I still didn't smoke, though. go me

The e-cig seems to be a good enough nicotine delivery system to keep me from having strong cravings and to keep me from reaching for a real cigarette. It's damn impressive. Certainly better than the Nicorette lozenges I've tried before. The bad day I had yesterday wasn't because I was jonesing for a cigarette, it was mainly from dealing with anxiety. That's been an issue every day so far, but yesterday was the worst and for a few hours there, I didn't think I'd make it. I'm hoping this is a temporary thing while my brain chemistry rearranges itself. Since I've had anxiety problems all my life, I have no reason to believe it'll be substantially better or worse from quitting smoking. So I think it's just the adjustment period that's difficult.

I've been drinking LOTS of water (I've never peed so much in my life!). Partly it's to help the detox by flushing out my system and partly it's just to stay hydrated. I'd read that these e-cigs dry you out. Yeah, that's an understatement. For about two days, my mouth and throat were very dry despite the water guzzling. That's gotten better, but now my skin feels incredibly dry. So dry, in fact, that my thermal face wash burned my skin yesterday. Everything was fine until I went to put moisturizer on afterwards. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! My whole face started stinging and I had this big pink patch on my cheek. Weird. I hope that's temporary.

Today was a much better day and I'm hoping for more. I don't ever want to smoke again; I'm finished with that life.
roxybisquaint: (sarah fuck)
What a weird day. 37 hours and counting and I still haven't smoked. When I passed the 24-hour mark this little experiment went from let's see how long I can go without a cigarette to I guess I'm fucking doing this. It was strangely emotional too. I was out running errands today (driving was a little scary) and had P!nk playing on the stereo (don't judge). It made me cry.

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had

Yeah, so, like I was saying... weird day, very up and down. Right now, I'm a non-smoker and it's no big deal — it's actually quite easy. Yet a little while ago, I was in such mental turmoil I thought I'd cave. Mostly I just have to "vape" like crazy with this e-cig and probably jack my nicotine level up higher than normal to keep from itching too badly for the thousands of other chemicals my body is apparently withdrawing from. And I believe there's a hell of a lot more than nicotine that keeps you addicted to cigarettes. Otherwise, quitting would be easy with any form of nicotine replacement. But it's not and I feel like shit.

I've had a headache all day and my stomach feels not so good. I haven't been able to eat much and coffee seems to have no affect on me. My head has been in a fog and my thoughts, while surprisingly clear (I expected to have trouble thinking), are moving in slow motion. To tops things off, my old friend anxiety showed up early in the day. I greeted it with some Xanax, which helped. I recently read that some of the chemicals in cigarettes act as MAOIs. That might explain why smoking is so calming, despite nicotine being a stimulant. It has a very positive affect on the mental condition. Since my anxiety issues have gotten way better in recent years, I'm hoping that I'll have the strength to withstand any anxiety uptick I might experience.

You know what's funny? This electronic-cigarette normally uses little lithium batteries, but I also have a USB pass-through cord to power it from my computer. So I'm sitting here listening to music through earbuds hooked to the laptop while puffing on an e-cig that's hooked to the laptop. I think I may be merging with my laptop.

Oh, I made myself laugh earlier. That was a great boost to my frame of mind. If I can laugh through this, I'll be okay. Maybe I should get the man to tickle me everyday to raise the endorphins. Or maybe there should be a lot of sex.

Actually, you know what would really help? WB announcing a TSCC DVD.
roxybisquaint: (sarah expletive)
I've had a cold for about 8 days, but it's actually only on my left side now. I don't mean that just the left side of my nose is stuffy, I mean my entire left side still has a cold while my entire right side it nearly back to normal. The left side of my face hurts, my left eye hurts, my left ear hurts, the left side of my throat hurts and the left side of my chest is congested. WTF?

This is just one more bit of evidence that my left side is completely defective. My left pupil is abnormal, my left ear has fluid problems, there's a lymph node on the left side of my neck that's about the size of a pea at all times (and it swells if I ever get a shot in my left arm), and I once had a different lymph node on the left side of my neck become so huge and painful that I could barely turn my head. It took 3 months of doctor visits and several courses of antibiotics to fix it (30-days of penicillin finally did the trick). Oh yeah, and any time I get a migraine (not very often, but I get them from time to time), guess where I have it? LEFT SIDE.

I think I need Doctor House.
roxybisquaint: (andy turk chess)
Shut the hell up!


roxybisquaint: (kyle come with me)
Evidence: I joined Twitter. And I totally blame [ profile] life_on_queen for it. Anyway, I'm on there now but I promise never to export twitter nonsense to my LJ.
roxybisquaint: (brains)
Can you please try to be useful before 4am sometime?

roxybisquaint: (brains)
Comicals not abandoned. I'm just waiting for my brain to replenish so I can catch up. Maybe I need a steak... amino acids. mmmmm.
roxybisquaint: (sarah ouch)
Why do I repeatedly sit on the couch with my legs stretched across to the coffee table, crossed with one ankle over the other? Gravity is certainly no friend to knees hovering over the space between couch and table. After a while I will inevitably start to feel an ache in the bottom knee. I reverse the cross of my legs, but within a few minutes the new bottom knee starts to ache. I'm probably in the middle of working or playing on the laptop, so I ignore it. I'll get up in a minute.

The thing about me on my laptop is I can ignore most other things when I'm on it. I get pulled-in, focused and that's that. I can turn off all awareness beyond the computer. I think I could actually have surgery without anesthesia if I just got involved in something on my laptop before they made the first incision.

A half hour goes by and I become acutely aware that the dull ache in my knee has grown to agonizing levels of pain. I finally decide to pull my legs off the table, which hurts even more. The lower knee really doesn't want to bend now. I bend it anyway... OUCH!... Then I get up and limp around like an idiot for a few minutes until the pain subsides and I can walk normal.

When I sit back down on the couch, the cycle repeats itself.

I'm doing it right now. Augh. It's really going to hurt when I get up.
roxybisquaint: (sarah flashlight)
...going to be a comical for Brothers of Nablus. I'm just late getting it done. I was going to rattle off all the reasons why it's not finished yet, but it would probably be more fun if you just imagine what those reasons are.

In other news, I think I'm getting addicted to Rock Band. I still haven't tried the guitar, but I love the drums and I even did vocals tonight for the first time (scored me a sweet 95% on Wanted Dead or Alive).

I watched the movie Blood Diamond tonight. Good film. Now I'm glad I don't own any diamonds.

My head is all stuffy, my throat is scratchy and I'm kind of chilled and achy. I blame the germ-infested voters. It was inevitable, though. I get a cold every November.

The kitties now seem to be telling me it's time for bed. That's what the pacing back and forth across the keyboard means. And the tail in my face.
roxybisquaint: (sarah chalkboard)
The theory of everything. String Theory. Super String Theory. 10 dimensions. 11 dimensions. I need a better grasp on physics. *sigh* Maybe in my next life, eh?

The Elegant Universe
Imagining the 10th Dimension (part 1)
Imagining the 10th Dimension (part 2)
String Theory to M Theory
roxybisquaint: (sarah chalkboard)
You know there was a time where I actually sat down with checkbook and bank statement once a month to reconcile my measely checking account. If I was off by $1.23, I'd actually go back through, recalculate all my checks and deposits and withdrawals and figure out where I'd screwed up. I had an obsessive need to make sure the bottom line in my checkbook was accurate and also that I'd made the mistake and not the bank. Thank God those days are over.

I don't have to care about $1.23 anymore (can you even imagine?) and I haven't kept up a checkbook in years. There's just no need. All my finances are online through the bank. I very rarely even write checks (usually just when some neighborhood kid comes around selling fundraiser stuff). I don't get receipts at the bank machine. I never use a debit card (I stick everything on a credit card and pay it at the end of the month). I don't bother to track my money at all. When it's time to pay bills, I log in and see what I've got. And thanks to overdraft protection, I don't even have to forecast ahead to make sure there will be enough money in checking for when bills are scheduled to be paid. If there's not enough, the bank automatically transfers it over from savings. Simple.

Or maybe it's too simple. Maybe this is why I suck at math now.


roxybisquaint: (Default)
Roxy Bisquaint

March 2011

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